The Things We Don’t Talk About: Marital Fidelity

WARNING:  this post may not be for you.  But if you’re in an overall healthy marriage, and you’re “married but not blind,” then this is for you.  And it’s for me, too.

 

 

First, I just want to say what we don’t say:  fidelity isn’t a given.  Maybe you like me have felt that scary, alluring feeling.

You know there’s something to be said for a solid, sustainable marriage like yours.  Dating days now past, you’ve settled down to a sense of security and warm fuzzies, and you’re a balanced, productive human being again.  But do you sometimes miss the days when you were all hormones and obsession?  It’s been seven years since Sean and I lived like single people, eyeing everyone as a possibility.  Seven years, but sometimes it doesn’t feel that long.  It can be a tough transition from eyeing everybody to eyeing nobody.  That single mentality doesn’t vanish as quickly as we’d like.

Are you like me?  I have a tall, dark, and handsome husband who is the very definition of adventure.  We have an easy, playful friendship, we parent well together, and truly, I have no complaints worth mentioning.  I love and admire him, trust him and respect him, and will never stop.  And when I watch him from across a crowded room, I can feel that I still have a humongous crush on him.

But even being blessed with an excellent man and all kinds of desire for him, I still find fidelity isn’t automatic.  And I had a bit too much romance-as-drug in my past, which makes it even harder.  I have to stay on guard against the temptations of someone other, some fresh romance, someone new thinking I’m the stuff.

I’m willing to bet that if you’ve had a ring on your finger for more than a month, you’ve felt this feeling, too.  The temptation comes in all forms.  Maybe you haven’t set the right boundaries with a coworker, or with guy friends you’ve kept from your single days.  Maybe you’ve used social media search bars to find out all about whoever you used to date, or maybe you can’t get enough of The Bachelor.  We’re talking about the same root temptation here, just different flavors of it.

The other night I actually had the house to myself – no Sean, no babies – and I was sinking into a bubble bath, eating chocolate, and searching for a romantic comedy on Netflix (yes, all those embarrassingly cliche girly things).  And you know what?  I literally could not find a romantic comedy to watch that didn’t feature a dissatisfied married person hooking up with a beautiful stranger.  I mean, we expect that in a romantic comedy someone will leave one relationship for another…but they’ve really taken it up a notch.  This isn’t the same as the protagonist outgrowing the boyfriend she’s had since high school.  These are much higher stakes!  But I wonder if the filmmakers know more about the average wife’s longings than we’d want to admit?  This gives me shivers.

 

To be clear:  no, I’m not meeting men at the bar and letting them take me home.  But this gateway stuff, “harmless” flirting or meditating on who or what we don’t have, is also wrong and detrimental to your marriage commitment and mine.  Staying sober takes work, and intentionality.  On the off chance you can relate to what I’m saying (because I believe it’s really a pretty good chance), I want to share my five favorite ways to beat this temptation.  These are the points I preach to myself on a regular basis:  

First, and possibly the biggest philosophy-shifter here:  I focus on serving my spouse, not on getting all my selfish wants.  This goes a long way.  It’s pretty doubtful that I’ll run away with someone else – or even entertain the idea – in order to best serve my husband.  I think in our selfishness, we’ve gotten love all wrong.  So I work to replace longing thoughts with thoughts of taking the best possible care of Sean.  

I sometimes struggle to ignore beautiful strangers.  But that beautiful stranger walking past me – though I assume he’s a real person underneath, with a SSN and dorky elementary school photos archived somewhere – is really just a concept.  You know, embodied adventure or warmth or affirmation or hedonism or whatever I’m feeling at the moment.  That riveting sense of possibility is only a daydream, while our spouses are tangible and needing us to be as good to them as we’d like them to be to us.

Second, I remember this fact (one that we all know but may need to be reminded of, especially if we’ve gone too far):  even an affair would eventually become a comfortable relationship that doesn’t thrill you the same way anymore.  Don’t set yourself up to live like an addict.  It’ll never be enough, and you will have lost everything for only a short-lived high.

Third, I treat the appealing person like I’d treat anybody else.  He doesn’t deserve to know how I’m feeling.  Besides, each time I treat him with interest, I’m inviting him to do the same, and the problem grows.  Treating him like he’s nothing special takes discipline, but it sure does work.

Fourth, I prune whatever feeds this desire.  Listen to any three radio songs in a row, and I think you’ll find that our musicians (and we, in turn) are at all times heartbroken, lovesick, or wishing we were.  We eat this stuff for breakfast, but it can be such garbage!  Quit the tortured-love playlists or whatever other habits are sending your mind in an unhealthy direction.  Omit the tempting man from  your life if at all possible.  Walk another route to the break room, go to lunch at a different cafe where the servers don’t flirt with married women – do whatever you need to do!  These changes can feel extreme, but they’re not.  You’re guarding something pretty darn precious.

Fifth, I pray.  Sometimes I feel weak in the face of the romanticism that would like to draw me into an affair.  Sometimes I feel nervous I’ll fall prey to something like this before I can stop it.  The ultimate safety net here is prayer.  The Holy Spirit is so good at making us feel uneasy when we’re toeing the line of what’s appropriate.  Pray, and then feel for his cues.

 

Sean and I talked about these things while driving one day (all our memorable conversations have happened in a moving vehicle!).  This was one of many conversations we’ve had about temptation and fidelity.  But this time, like a true double standard, I was uncomfortable hearing that he ever recognized any woman besides me as being attractive.  I tried to get him to assure me that in his eyes, I was the coolest and prettiest girl ever, period.  I felt sure if he could promise me that, I’d never have to feel threatened by other women.  

But he wouldn’t promise me I was the coolest or the prettiest…because for him, that wasn’t the bottom line.  He emphasized this to me:

“Rachel, I’ll never get close enough to someone else to know if they’re cooler than you.  I’m not going to do it.  It’s just never worth it.  Cheating on your spouse will ruin your marriage, your family, your kids, your home, the entire life you’ve built.  It’ll never be worth it.  It’s that simple.”

That wasn’t the sappy answer I was looking for, but I knew he was right, and his response made me feel secure.  He was right.  It is that simple.  And he is quite a gift to me!

Sometimes love looks like vigilance.

 

 

One more thing:  if you want to discuss this more or encourage each other in this area, my door – and my inbox – are always open!